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How do you “train” a man who was “allowed” to cheat with his ex wife of many years?

Question by lookinfortruth: How do you “train” a man who was “allowed” to cheat with his ex wife of many years?

I know men arent dogs and cant be trained, but this is the only way I can phrase this. My current significant other was with a woman for over 10 years and cheated and she basically condoned his behavior and accepted it. We have been together for 3 years and I found out he had a one night stand. I can sort of see how he would try to pull this on me and try to get away with it, also because I am very understanding & forgiving about many other things. How can I make him see this will not fly with me again?
I did break up with him and we havent seen each other in a month.. Will this let him know Im serious??

Best answer:

Answer by Kwistle
I’m sorry. I think habits stick in such cases. I don’t know that there’s much hope for him. Find someone else.

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  • You are making excuses for his behavior by blaming his current actions on his approved actions from the past.

    You should have let him go the first time he cheated.

  • you cant make someone do or understand something they dont WANT to do or understand for themselves. The one-night stand could be a sign of his unreadiness, talk to him if he cant agree to commit and truly see where you are coming from,thats a sign you shoud probably rethink the relationship. You probably should have made it clear when you found about about the first incident that cheating would not fly with you,if he is not truly sorry he could take that as a sign to step all over you. I DO believe people makes mistakes but, when those mistakes are repeated for not a few months or a year but YEARS, it becomes a lifestyle and a habit.

  • You need to train yourself.

    You are beautiful and worth the best a man can give you… so do NOT settle for less.

    Good luck.

  • Are you kidding? That has nothing to do with his ex- That is who he is!!!! Find someone else. I am sure there are more you don’t know about.

  • Don’t be “understanding and forgiving” This guy will only do what you allow. If you allow him to get away with this, as you have said you let him get away with other things, he will cheat again. Be polite but firm, he’s just testing the boundaries. Set very clean and firm boundaries Good Luck

  • What were you thinking when you meet this a**hole,Dump him while your ahead!

  • Im sorry to say this, but the only true blue way to get the point made clear to him the first time around would be to leave his butt.

  • Forget it girl, you cant train him, its his way to be a cheater and thats the plain truth . If you think your THE ONE and can change him… think again… he is gonna play you for a fool.

  • I would leave him. Once he cheats (especially more than once) he will always cheat. For me, the damage would already be done.

  • You can’t make him ANYTHING..discuss what you find acceptable behavior and what will not be tolerated. Establish boundaries….with this knowledge, if he chooses to cheat, then you have you answer….and your walking papers! You al lowed it once…its going to be hard for him to believe you wont tolerate it again….

  • Good grief…….either he`s part of the solution or he`s part of the problem. Monogamy is a choice. He`s an adult, it`s hard to influence him, tell him your concern. STDS, ummmm, your emotional health, and the future of your relationship. Not to mention, he`s going nowhere with his affairs, he`s being used. But gosh, there are soooo many sweet, emotionally intellligent guys out there, why him??

  • “retrain” yourself and “don’t make excuses” Kick his sorry a$ $ to the curb- after you super glue his hand to his penis

  • He sounds like he is a cheater for life. Some people cheat, regret it and never do it again. Then you have people like this guy — he’s used to cheating. His ex-wife allowed him to cheat. He expects you to do the same thing. I don’t think he will stop.

  • ure crazy he’s gonna keep doin that so u might as well accept it too then

  • Seriously think about what you just wrote,…
    married for ‘over ten years’ and cheated. Yet you still got together with him,… he cheated on you…(one night stand?)
    No matter what you call it…still cheating and you accept it by saying…” this will not fly with me again?”
    Why on earth would someone love a person who cares nothing about them?
    A lot of women talk and complain about how men cheat, but yet they are still with them… do you like the drama?
    If not then leave him and find a man… Not a boy wanna-be!
    When I found out my husband cheated on me there was no pause, one week later he was single again!

  • I have an easy solution to this problem: don’t get involved with a man who has a history of cheating on his wife for 10 years.

    You wouldn’t buy car insurance from a company that had a 10-year history of not paying any claims, right?

  • The boundaries are diferent for EVERY relationship.. Just because the Ex took it doesn’t mean that you have to…I say move on…There’s always a better guys around the corners from those that TRY to use and abuse us….

  • sorry, I know you’re going to hear this again, again and again that this person is not worth it. The best way to show him is the door. He will not change his behavior after 10 yrs of doing this with his former partner. If he really want a relationship then he need to conduct himself in such a manner. If he only want someone for a one nighter, then he need to forget about a relationship.

  • lookinfo… good on you.. now ring him and see if he wants you back.. if so tell him you have a right to have a one night stand.. see if he likes it… good luck

  • I am sorry but I also believe that all men are not dogs…..but there may be some truth to the old saying that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. This has been a comfortable lifestyle for this man for many years and it looks like he isn’t going to change it for anyone woman. He is a philander and is not content in being with one woman sexually for any length and time. You could suggest some counseling for the two of you and get some proffesional advice if you decide to take him back…..this way you will understand what you are up against if you continue the relationship. The one thing that I am really concerned about for you is that he has had many sexual partners and he could easily give you a life threatening std that would not be worth your health. He really has some issues with his moral beliefs and being faithfull in a commited relationship. I would be very carefull with this man in putting all your feelings and emotions into hands…….because you deserve to be loved by someone you can trust to protect your heart and the love that is there for someone that deserves it. Take care of yourself and I wish you only the best.

  • You married him in the first place with this knowledge, how on earth would you expect him to take you serious.

    You really went to the bottom of the barrell for this one.

  • You cannot train him not to cheat. He only thinks about himself and nothing else. What makes you think that she condoned it? Do not believe everything that he tells you. There are always two sides to a story. Is this his excuse for doing it? I would not forgive cheating for any reason. Aren’t you worth more than you are getting from him?

  • Please!!!! Save your dignity & sanity!!!

    It’s obvious this individual had absolutely no thoughts of you when he had his “one night stand”! He’s not “worthy” of what you can offer him.

    If your daughter came to you with this same situation, what would you tell her?

  • he already pulled the wool over your eyes. these kind of men are “un-trainable” forget about it…or if you can live with his sh@# then keep him

  • with a frying pan my friend.

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